What ‘Head of the Household’ Really Means: Love, Service, and Partnership

A conversation with my best friend the other day got me thinking about a topic that I feel is often misunderstood. She knows I’m into theology and a Jesus man through and through, and she even said, “You’re the expert,” which honestly made me feel really good.

This came up because she has an aunt who always brings up the idea that men are supposed to be the “head of the household,” and that women should “submit” to them. My friend is a feminist who genuinely loves Jesus, but she’s also one of the most independent and strong women I’ve ever met (she truly is a gem), and I could tell she wasn’t exactly thrilled by the whole idea.

But here’s the thing and that's I realized there’s a lot of misunderstanding about what the Bible actually means when it talks about headship. It’s not about control or taking away anyone’s individuality. In fact, the way Scripture frames it… it’s actually about love, service, and partnership. And honestly? Thinking about this made me reflect on the kind of man I want to be and that’s one who leads with his heart, not his ego.

So I wanted to unpack this a little—not as a lecture, but as a conversation. Because it matters, and because sometimes the truth gets lost in translation.

Headship in Scripture

When I read Ephesians 5:25— “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” it hits me every time. The word “head” here doesn’t mean boss or ruler; it’s about responsibility, care, and sacrificial love. Christ’s love for the Church was not about control or dominance, but about giving Himself fully, putting others first, and being present even when it was hard. That’s the model of headship: loving fully, serving faithfully, and being stable and steady, no matter the circumstance. Men are called to see this responsibility as being an emotional rock and a pillar their spouse can rely on, unwavering and steady through life’s challenges, a source of strength and stability in every season.

Ephesians 5:22 mentions that wives should “submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” The word submit in the original Greek, hypotassō, carries the sense of voluntary respect and supportive alignment, not blind obedience or erasure of identity. It’s a relational posture, a recognition of mutual roles in partnership, not a hierarchy that strips away individuality. Submission in Scripture is about cooperation, trust, and harmony, rather than control or inequality.

Also, 1 Peter 3:7 adds that husbands are called to honor their wives as co-heirs of the grace of life, treating them with understanding and respect. This verse reminds us that headship carries weighty responsibility to nurture, cherish, and protect, not to dominate. It also frames marriage as a mutual covenant, where both partners are equally valued and spiritually connected.

Colossians 3:18–19 emphasizes that marriage is a mutual partnership. Love and guidance go hand in hand with respect and gentleness, reinforcing that the point is relationship, not control. When Scripture talks about “becoming one flesh” in Genesis 2:24, it isn’t a literal erasure of individuality; it’s a profound metaphor for unity of purpose, intimacy, and mutual support. Two independent people choosing to walk together in life, trusting and honoring one another, while still bringing their full selves to the relationship.

Thinking about these verses also made me reflect on my friend in a personal way. There’s a small moment that really stuck with me after I shared one of my favorite parts of Scripture, the Prodigal Son, I later noticed she had left a bookmark on that very page in her Bible. I’ll admit that I may have snooped a little when I had the chance (don’t tell her!). What really struck me was that she had listened and cared enough to check it out for herself. That small, quiet act melted my heart and reminded me how much thoughtfulness, attention, and genuine care matter in relationships.

Aspiring to Love Well

I’ve reflected a lot on the kind of man I want to be and I’ll be honest, there are areas where I know I need to grow. Sometimes I feel a hint of jealousy, even though I know it comes from caring deeply. Sometimes I get too excited about the future and want to plan too much, instead of fully appreciating what’s right in front of me. And yes, I carry a little anxiety in relationships, especially when it comes to people I truly care about.

All of these feelings, I realize, come from the same place: I care. I care so deeply about the people closest to me and especially someone I could seriously see as my wife that I want to love fully, protect fiercely, and support endlessly. When I let someone in at that level, I want them to feel at home.

I know I have work to do like learning to trust, slowing down, letting love be patient and steady but here’s the thing: when I commit my heart fully, my love knows no bounds. I want to go to lengths most men wouldn’t, to be present, supportive, and unwavering. I want to love with stability, patience, and generosity just as Christ loves the Church.

Thinking about my friend, the person who inspired this reflection, makes me want to embody these principles even more. I love the way she thinks, how her perspectives challenge me, and the way she processes life pushes me to grow and reflect in ways I might not on my own. Seeing her quirks, her quiet care, and her thoughtfulness all reminds me what true partnership looks like. When God opens the door for me to be in a committed relationship, I hope to grow even more: to embody these qualities fully, learn from my faults, and love without reservation.

A Reflection and a Promise

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Scripture, from conversations, and from noticing the small, meaningful ways people care, it’s this: headship is not about control or authority but it’s about love, service, and partnership. It’s about being steady, patient, and fully present, putting the needs of the people you love alongside your own, and honoring them with thoughtfulness and respect.

Reflecting on these truths and on the people who inspire me like my friend just shows me the clear way forward is to lead with my heart, not my ego, to love sacrificially, and to grow in patience, humility, and understanding. True partnership is mutual, and it challenges, encourages, and brings out the best in both people.

So this is my quiet promise: to keep learning, to keep growing, and to keep striving to be a man who loves deeply, sees fully, and serves faithfully. I hope that anyone reading this—whether you’re curious about headship, navigating relationships, or simply reflecting on what love truly looks like can take a different perspective: that headship is not about control, but about partnership, care, and selfless love. When God opens the door for the relationships He intends, I hope to live out these truths with integrity, thoughtfulness, and a heart fully devoted not only in word, but in every action. And honestly, there would be nothing I would take greater pride in than being my wife’s true safe place, a home for her heart, where she can truly believe I am her Guarantee, just as Jesus is ours.